oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
