Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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