Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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