walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
