mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
