In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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