The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
