Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
