were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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