i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
