Are we in a gay sports bar?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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