i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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