This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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