and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We smell like vodka and hangover
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