Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
