I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
