I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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