After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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