Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
