i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
