i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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