My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
