dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
