I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
