Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
