we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Randomize
