Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
