This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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