He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
