I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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