I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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