Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
