Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
