she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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