I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
