Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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