my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
