I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
