My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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