she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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