i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
