i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
