I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
