super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
