Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
