shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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