Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
