is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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