Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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