I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
